Apparently it’s the 2nd, “birthday,” for this blog, so I feel it’s only fitting for me to make a text post. I have no preconceived idea as to what it’ll be about, but sometimes rambling makes for the best discussion.
I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I don’t mean in an existential manner either, where many of us question our purpose on this planet, and why we exist. I mean I don’t know what I’m doing at this academic institution my nation calls University.
My program’s pretty weird. It’s pretty much high school all over again, just without all the good parts. I don’t look forward to spending Fridays at another campus with all the people in my program, mostly because I’m not really close with any of those people, so it’s a waste of my life in all honesty. On top of that, I’m just generally inferior in terms of design in comparison to everyone else, so I don’t feel I’m going to make it in such a field.
I’m usually at home these days, just finding ways to kill time. I sleep an ungodly amount of hours now, well over 9 every day. I waste time watching a lot of YouTube videos and constantly scrolling through Twitter, as though I’m growing as a person by partaking in such trivial activities. I try talking to many of my old (and what I used to consider, “good,”) friends from high school, but they’re all just too busy for me nowadays, and they’ve moved on to people they like better, I can only assume.
What sucks is how I’m questioning my past with such people. I remember high school as one of the greatest times I had, as I spent it with some amazing people who I genuinely have come to love. I though I was lucky to end up at a place where many of them currently are. But now I’m seeing that these people aren’t treating me the same. Or maybe they are, but I just didn’t realize it back in high school. I’m always paranoid as to whether I’m truly welcome to talk and hang out with them, and why I’m not being told of or invited to certain events and hangouts. I can’t do anything about it, but it just propels me into a deeper state of sadness and general helplessness.
It’s safe to say I don’t like my time here at University. I’m not sure who I can really talk to and have fun with. Slightly worried I delve into substances a little too much these days, maybe as an escape. I didn’t think I’d be this person back in the past. Now I realize how some people end up where they are. Sometimes I feel like I should abandon my ignorance and just blindly believe in God and follow religion, in an attempt for me to be more happy, and to put my blind faith in a higher power that can help change my life and bless me with good will. But then I see that as a form of ignorance in itself, blindly trusting that which is unknown to provide for bliss and happiness, rather than remedying the situation(s) yourself.
In all honesty, I can’t wait to get out of here. I just pray/hope I can find some good people to grow close with soon enough. Not having such a blessing is slowly driving me off the ledge.
If you’ve made it this far, which I highly doubt anyone has, (I doubt anyone even bothered to read the first sentence in all actuality), my message is this; make sure you count your blessings. If you even have one good, genuine person who is there for you at any time of the day, no matter the circumstance, they are a blessing, and you should be grateful for that.
Happy Birthday, Gentlemen.