Happy?

For the past couple hours, I’ve been genuinely happy. There are external reasons for this, mind you, but regardless, they’ve made me so blissful and happy about every matter, small or big, significant or not, black or white, so I’m not complaining.

I watched Pharrell’s music video for, “Happy,” after hearing it during on the radio yesterday. And it’s all I’ve been listening to for the past hour. Literally. No one song has ever been so relistanable to the point of a whole straight hour. And it’s been keeping me in such a lifted and positive mood. And naturally, I’ve been thinking.

I need to try and be more positive and happy with my life. There’s no point in constantly sulking and blaming the world for my problems. I just have to leave things as they are and move on with a smile plastered on my face. It’s a MUCH better feeling than being down in the dumps, so why stay there, when I can live up here?

From now, I’m going to try and keep happy and spread it as much as I can. And if that requires listening to this song everyday, so be it.

:)

Right now, all I can think of is everyone I know that has believed or that believes in their faith, and how content of a being they usually are and how they can keep themselves positive and successful, and I wonder if my ignorance in believing in my faith has led me to this place. And now I wonder if it’s too late to start believing in the attempt to be as content and successful as everyone else. But how do I even know it’s the belief in faith that keeps them content or successful. How do I know it’s not other factors, and that I’m just trying to find something that others have, and that I don’t, to put the blame on, as a means of justification.

What do I believe in now?

I still wonder how anyone knows whether or not they have a mental illness. You don’t get a notification or a text, so how’s anyone supposed to really tell or know?

Happy Birthday

Apparently it’s the 2nd, “birthday,” for this blog, so I feel it’s only fitting for me to make a text post. I have no preconceived idea as to what it’ll be about, but sometimes rambling makes for the best discussion.

I don’t really know what I’m doing here. I don’t mean in an existential manner either, where many of us question our purpose on this planet, and why we exist. I mean I don’t know what I’m doing at this academic institution my nation calls University.

My program’s pretty weird. It’s pretty much high school all over again, just without all the good parts. I don’t look forward to spending Fridays at another campus with all the people in my program, mostly because I’m not really close with any of those people, so it’s a waste of my life in all honesty. On top of that, I’m just generally inferior in terms of design in comparison to everyone else, so I don’t feel I’m going to make it in such a field.

I’m usually at home these days, just finding ways to kill time. I sleep an ungodly amount of hours now, well over 9 every day. I waste time watching a lot of YouTube videos and constantly scrolling through Twitter, as though I’m growing as a person by partaking in such trivial activities. I try talking to many of my old (and what I used to consider, “good,”) friends from high school, but they’re all just too busy for me nowadays, and they’ve moved on to people they like better, I can only assume.

What sucks is how I’m questioning my past with such people. I remember high school as one of the greatest times I had, as I spent it with some amazing people who I genuinely have come to love. I though I was lucky to end up at a place where many of them currently are. But now I’m seeing that these people aren’t treating me the same. Or maybe they are, but I just didn’t realize it back in high school. I’m always paranoid as to whether I’m truly welcome to talk and hang out with them, and why I’m not being told of or invited to certain events and hangouts. I can’t do anything about it, but it just propels me into a deeper state of sadness and general helplessness.

It’s safe to say I don’t like my time here at University. I’m not sure who I can really talk to and have fun with. Slightly worried I delve into substances a little too much these days, maybe as an escape. I didn’t think I’d be this person back in the past. Now I realize how some people end up where they are. Sometimes I feel like I should abandon my ignorance and just blindly believe in God and follow religion, in an attempt for me to be more happy, and to put my blind faith in a higher power that can help change my life and bless me with good will. But then I see that as a form of ignorance in itself, blindly trusting that which is unknown to provide for bliss and happiness, rather than remedying the situation(s) yourself.

In all honesty, I can’t wait to get out of here. I just pray/hope I can find some good people to grow close with soon enough. Not having such a blessing is slowly driving me off the ledge.

If you’ve made it this far, which I highly doubt anyone has, (I doubt anyone even bothered to read the first sentence in all actuality), my message is this; make sure you count your blessings. If you even have one good, genuine person who is there for you at any time of the day, no matter the circumstance, they are a blessing, and you should be grateful for that.

Happy Birthday, Gentlemen.

I think I lost a very close friend.

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